Blathering On

Maybe not FTL

2009-03-06T17:20:11Z

I have become aware of a conflicting theory which might call into question the success of my Faster Than Light travels yesterday. A distinguished colleague of mine pointed out that all things move more slowly in government buildings, and therefore even photons will slow down (probably due to needing to get their paperwork stamped by quantum bureaucrats). He works in a budgeting office, but it stands to reason that the same would apply to all locations of governmental operations, including the school where I work. Further experimentation is required, but I have revised my speed estimate to 336 million miles an hour, which is just over half the speed of light but still far in excess of the speed of government light.

But when I finally do exceed the speed of light I will know it because Chuck Norris will catch up to me and give me a ticket.

FTL!

2009-03-05T17:07:23Z

I have just achieved speeds in excess of 186,000 miles per second! It's true! Electrical impulses travel through our fancy fiber optic cables at the speed of light, and yet I was able to click the "print" button on my computer and then run clear into the other room before the printer responded.

Scientists will be studying me for years to come.

Awesome sentence

2009-01-26T20:00:20Z

I think this is as much awesomeness as can be packed into an English sentence:

"The robot transformed into a pirate ship where ninjas crammed Nazis into cannons and fired them at the stampeding zombie tyrannosaurs."

Shanna the She Devil

2009-01-12T04:45:49Z

For Christmas, a friend who owns a comic store sent me a fat stack of comics he thought I would like. I'm less than half way through the stack, but I've already fallen in love with the miniseries of Shanna the She Devil. It's about a super-buff jungle warrior who protects a bunch of lost soldiers on a mysterious island. For fun, she punches out allosaurs with her bare fists and wrestles giant alligators whenever the opportunity arises. There's even the remnants of a Nazi base which may or may not be responsible for some of the mysteries on the island. How totally and delightfully Hollow Earth Expedition-y!

Okay, so I have to admit that I wish that her sidekick (the military doctor who freed her from her incubation chamber in the secret science lab hidden beneath the primeval jungle) had some catch-phrase other than "holy buckets." I also have to (reluctantly) admit that if I were going to genetically design a super-warrior, I probably would not give her boobs bigger than her head. One would think they would get in the way, particularly when alligator wrestling. But they don't seem to slow her down, so perhaps it's all part of the precision German engineering.

Anyway. I just had to share that I HEART this series. Look it up if you get a chance. I even dyed my Fable character's hair orange in tribute. Oh, what fun! I just had to share.

National Boards

2008-11-21T16:18:46Z

The scores were released this morning for the "National Boards for Professional Teaching Standards." I passed!
I am now officially recognized as having a black belt in teaching.
The best part is how much work I DON'T have to do this year. In fact, this gets me out of some other work until I need to renew the cert in 10 years.

Got my car back!

2008-10-04T03:12:15Z

The police recovered my pimp mobile from the North Seattle Community College parking lot last night. It only cost me $100 bucks to get it out of the tow lot.

No arrests were made and no finger prints found.There was no damage to the car, not even to the ignition. There was about a foot and a half of tubing in my gas tank, but if they siphoned anything off they couldn't have taken more than a gallon if anything at all (maybe they gave up because they decided they sucked at it too much-- ha ha). They rifled through everything and took all the miscellaneous junk that I didn't consider valuable and never used, so I suppose I should be grateful that they helped clean it out a bit. My garage door opener and my frisbees were left intact, but they took the $6 in quarters and other loose change. (It is my considered opinion that anyone who has to steal lose change must lead a pretty pathetic life.) They did leave me a gift: an ashtray full of cigarette butts and cigarette stink all over the place.

My model car and year has always been high in the ratings for stolen vehicles. I had always assumed that was because they were so common that stripped parts would be worth more. But now I'm thinking that there must be some security flaw-- probably ease of bypassing the ignition or something like that-- which makes this model an easy mark. I still don't think it's worth installing an electronic alarm system. So, my goal is to put together a defense package for under $100-- otherwise it will be more economical just to let them steal it again :-)
So here's what I'm thinking, and I'm looking for feedback if anyone has insight:

*A "club" for the steering wheel (a good deterrent while I'm away, and a chance at some healthy catharsis if I'm around to administer it in person)

*A fake alarm device-- one of those little things that blinks a menacing little red light.

*In the past, I've seen a little box that will detect change in air pressure (such as when a car door is opened or a window broken) and then start screaming. Cheap and no installation necessary.

*Find some kind of distinctive window decal to make thieves feel like they would be more conspicuous driving with that flagging down the coppers wherever they went.

Any thoughts?

My car got stolen

2008-10-01T14:12:53Z

I have played enough video games to know that a theif should consider three important categories when selecting perspective automobiles: armor, speed, and sexiness. Why, then, would anyone want to take my car? You have to turn off the AC to reach freeway speeds, the worn red paint doesn't exactly say "come hither," and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't hold up to a hail of gunfire. Heck, I bet the thing broke down before the theif even got it back to the crack-house. Even including the $6 in quarters I keep in the ashtray, I'm not even this theft counts as grand theft auto-- more like mediocre theft auto.

But if you want surreal, just try getting off the bus to find your car not happily awaiting you. Your mind will begin to create the most bizarre scenarios to avoid the obvious explanation. Did I forget that I drove all the way to work today and acciently took the bus home? Did I forget that this morning I left my car in my garage to walk 40 minutes to the park-and-ride? Did my wife come pick up my car for some reason? Did I actidentally leave the car on fire or something that would necessitate its being towed? Alas, even I couldn't maintain that level of delusion for long.

So now what? I'm not in any position to finance a car. Biking seems like my most promising alternative, although it will 1) cost way more money than I have (but admittedly less than a car); 2) add precious time to my commute to the bus stop; 3) require more maintenance than my feet (I'm unlikely to catch a flat foot, but a flat tire could ruin my day); 4) be much harder to glorify-- there hasn't been a cool bicycle video game since 1984's "Paperboy."

So, in conclusion, I would like to say (not for the first time) that life should be more like video games. Then the park-and-ride would have been chock full of lambourginis and M-1 battle tanks, so the thieves could have contented themselves with those other vehicles to aid them in all their hooker-smacking, drug-dealing, mob-shooting exploits. Fortunately for me, with the booming economy, stable housing market, and untroubled bank (Washington Mutual), I'm sure I won't have any difficulty securing an eighty-third mortgage on my house so that I can get a nice new ride--preferably something that has neon rim lights, shoots turtle-shells, and comes standard with rocket boosters.

An end to war on earth

2008-09-14T14:59:19Z

We watched the first 8 of 10 episodes of Band of Brothers yesterday. If you haven't seen them, they are truly excellent and definitely worthy of watching. They also reminded me of what a rotten deal war really is, so I have created a plan that will end all war on earth within my lifetime.

First, the governments of Earth must shift all their military budget into making big fighting robots. I'm talking the kind of uber robots who can clobber conventional military the same way Godzilla does in all his movies. Then we ship them all off to someplace like the moon or mars. When one country declares war on another, the robots of the two countries duke it out there instead of flesh and blood soliders killing each other here.

At that point, a losing country would have no choice but to abide by the outcome: if your robots beat my robots (not bloody likely-- my robots are going to be AWESOME!-- so this is purely hypothetical) then I would have to surrender or else your robots could come down and kick my butt in person. It is the perfect system, because no human beings would need to suffer the loss of a loved one.

Now I know what you're thinking, so allow me to anticipate a few of your questions:

Q: Shipping costs to mars are, er, astronomical. Won't making robots and sending them to another planet cost the tax payers tons of money?
A: This won't require any new taxes for one good reason: all robots will have built-in cameras, and the footage will be turned into a reality show on CBS. The revenues from this show for the US alone will not only pay for our war machines, but also double our education budget.

Q: What happens if space aliens invade? Won't our pacifistic ways make us easy prey to conquerers from another world?
A: We would only seem like pacifists. If invading aliens show up, we can sick our big smashy-robots on them.

Q: What happens when the robots inevitably become self-aware and decide to kill all humans?
A: That's why we have Chuck Norris.

If there is any doubt about this being a flawless plan and the hope of humanity, I will entertain questions on this now. Also, we should probably begin discussing cool designs for robots.

danger magnet!

2008-09-07T04:50:51Z

Debuting today: Danger Magnet!
This is a FREE fanzine dedicated to pulp adventure gaming and the ubiquity system. I'm delighted with how well it turned out! Lots of cool stuff for HEX and a little for Desolation, including settings, creatures, artifacts, an adventure, and even a historical piece on Howard Carter and Egyptology in the early twentieth century,

I think this will be a very good thing for Exile Games because it will allow players to geek out on a much more regular basis!

Awesome day!

2008-09-02T14:49:36Z

I have experienced more awesomeness today by 7:30 am than I do all day on most days. First, on the way to the bus stop a cyclist stopped and said "Do you like science? Look over there above that tree-- it's the space station!" Sure enough, there was a little pink light sliding through the sky.

Then at work, my colleague who is a close personal friend of Mr. Neal Stephenson brought be a copy of his new book, Anathem. (Everyone else in the world has to wait a week before it is released). And now I can cluck my tongue at anyone who says it is a 960 page doorstop... it's only 935 pages!

a rare utterance

2008-08-24T01:41:37Z

My Brazillian Jiu Jitsu "dojo" actually consists of a bunch of mats set up on the floor of the basketball court of a local gym. As we exit, we pass the gym's scales, and it isn't uncommon for people from my class to weigh themselves on the way in or the way out to make sure they are on target for their weight category for upcoming competitions. Today one of our female wrestlers (who is very athletic and stands about 5'8" while probably weighing only a little less than I do) was weighing herself when she said to her boyfriend, without irony, "I'm losing too much weight." That's not something you often hear a woman say.

D-Day anniversary

2008-06-06T14:09:43Z

May we never forget the sacrifices that needed to be made, and let us work to achieve a world that never needs them again.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp=24988670&#24988670

For geeks

2008-05-30T02:10:40Z

more graph humor and song chart memes

murphy's law is strictly enforced

2008-04-29T18:38:27Z

In the past week, my microwave went dead, my toilet sprung a leak, and the windows in my car have stopped working.

Edit: And now our server has crashed at work. Some days I think I would be better off as a zombie.

my brain is evil

2008-04-17T14:15:11Z

As the morning approached, my brain tried to "help" by sending me a dream that it was Saturday today but that I had accidentally forgotten to turn my alarm off so I should just switch it off and sleep in. Luckily for me, I outsmarted my brain... but only just.
You know you're tired when you dream about sleeping.

Fimbulwinter!

2008-03-28T20:34:53Z

It is almost April and it's SNOWING!?! It's really coming down, too. Happy spring break; go make a snowman.
The prophesied Fimbulwinter is upon us! Ragnarok is here! We are all doomed! DOOMED!!!

The light at the end of the tunnel!

2008-01-29T03:49:28Z

Ha! The snow sucked for everyone in the region, but all those cultists I sacrificed were worth it because it was wonderful for me. Today, I finished the last of my portfolio draft essays, which means that the bulk of my national board certification work is behind me! Now it's just a matter of revising, sorting, and assembling. Oh yeah, there's also the exam, which I scheduled for April 2nd. But for now I get to remember what it's like to have free time again!

Slogan for 08

2008-01-16T02:24:13Z

The minor parties such as the Democrats and Republicans seem to be heating up to a very interesting race, but we have about wrapped up the Mad Scientist Party (MSP) nomination. Stephen Colbert seems out of the race (except maybe as Huckabee's running mate), but there are still the major contenders. You know exactly who I'm talking about: Cthulhu and the surprise political juggernaut Ralph Wiggum. So we need some killer slogans to give us the edge.

animadversio recommended this one, and I'm not sure you can beat it for pure bumper-sticker pithiness:

MSP: Vote for Us. Or Else.

Here are my ideas:

Mad Science, Mad Government.
MSP: Our Robots Can Beat Up Your Robots
MSP: Our Zombies are More Lifelike than Dick Cheney.

Feedback? Other ideas?

please adopt these kitties!

2008-01-11T21:44:52Z

I’m hoping against hope to find a home for two loving in-door cats. They belonged to a sweet old lady who passed away on Christmas (I swear I’m not making that up just to pull the heartstrings) and they need a home very soon before they are evicted. They have all their shots and come with a three month supply of food and litter (as well as food bowls and whatever other accessories you want). The only catch is that they need to stay together as a pair.

If you are interested in meeting them or know someone who is, please let me know and I can arrange for you to visit them in their house (near the airport. If anyone is interested in hosting them for a year or so I have a family member who will be able to take them after that—let me know and we can work something out.

supersech @ 2008-01-05T18:06:00

2008-01-06T19:15:03Z

animadversio (aka "Madwabbit") is a god among men!
I was slaving away at various work related tasks yesterday, most notably my national boards stuff, for which I had been chained to my keyboard for hours beyond count. My fingers were cramping, my eyeballs were bleeding, and my soul was at the point of shriveling into mindless, zombie-like nothingness. Then arrived the package and letter from the Angel of Alexandria containing a holiday card with a hilarious story about the long standing behind-the-scenes grudge between Santa's elves Bingle and Dingle (revealing that it all started over Dingle being the real reason all the rum was gone). And, attached to the card were the Last Crusade motorcycle chase Indiana Jones legos! After some quick assembly, there were many motorcycle "vroom!" noises, plus bad imitations of Harrison Ford's voice going "Dad, c'mon!" and even worse imitations of Sean Connery's voice saying "Junior!" and "We named the dog Indiana." (Fortunately for me, the men in the white coats didn't hear all of that, or they would have put me back in my padded cell for the evening.)
Thank you, animadversio ! I'm so totally buying you a drink at Gencon.

victory

2008-01-05T01:21:00Z

No one else going for the Mad Scientist Party (MSP) nomination for President got more votes than us in the Iowa caucuses, so I am declaring victory. On to New Hampshire!

On a more interesting note, for both major parties about twice as many people turned out to vote this year than at the previous presidential election. Maybe this means American voters are about to start paying attention again. One can hope.

Spin Doctors for my Campaign

2007-12-24T17:47:04Z

I have several top-notch spin doctors working for me now. Here's advice from my dear father, who can help me reach out to the rural vote (who traditionally are more likely to storm the lab with torches and pitch forks than to support the cause, so this is invaluable advice):

a couple of suggestions. First, you get only Stihl chainsaws and they all come from Tim's Country Saw shop in Tonasket. He's been anti-Zombie from day one, and there is no reason we all can't make a little change on the side. Second, you get Everyday Athlete logo cargo shorts and running shoes and the logo shows on the news clip just before you make your jump. In return, we cut a deal with Wade sos we all get free running shoes for life. Oh yeah, and let it be known that your "pump action shot gun" is a Remington 870 12 guage loaded with alternating buchshot and slugs. That way, the guys who deal with grizzly bears in Alaska will recognize you as somebody who knows bear scat from cougar poop and they will swing behind you as surely as water runs downhill. Probably the NRA will follow their lead.
I will start working on the Grange, the Farm Bureau, and the Longshoremen for endorsements.

Announcing my run for president

2007-12-21T05:10:36Z

Just in time for the Iowa caucus and owing to the fact that I am not entirely pleased with any candidate being offered by the major parties, I am glad to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. As I recently stated on the Exile Games forum, I will be running on the Mad Scientist party ticket.

At a recent press conference, one of my carefully placed plants in the audience raised a cunningly scripted question about my stance on zombies. Here was my spontaneously pre-packaged response:

I'm glad you raised that issue. Millions of Americans such as yourselves are rightly concerned with this clear and present threat to our way of life. My voting record will show a strong and decisive response to this concern based on three key principals: preparation, research, and response.

Preparation: I have repeatedly stated that zombie survival hinges on resource management. Therefore, through tax incentives to private citizens and auto manufacturers, I will strive to ensure that every household in America is prepared with a basic survival kit including water, chainsaws for both utility and defense, lumber to board up windows, and car batteries that will insure every car made in this country will start on the first turn of the key, even in the dark with a legion of Oogie-Boogies shambling towards you.

Research: Some of my detractors have suggested that we should ban all zombie-related research. However, this would mean that Al Qaeda has won. Such strictures would weaken our nation's economy and erode our God-given right to play Prometheus in our basement laboratories. We cannot allow America to suffer from a Zombie Gap any more than we can afford a Giant Robot Gap or a Deathray Gap. In the past, those of us in the Mad Scientist party have been accused of not doing enough to ensure adequate safety procedures in our zombie research facilities based on a few isolated incidents of our studies spilling over into the general population and leading to plagues of brain-munching ghouls. I will insist on the highest attention to safety; under my budget, for every 8 billion dollars spent on zombie research, companies will be required to spend $3.79 on a really good padlock to keep the undead blighters in their pens. That ought to take care of it.

Response: In the event of the inevitable zombie breakout, I will personally parachute into the afflicted area equipped with running shoes, camouflage cargo shorts, my kukri, a pump action shot gun, and all the ammo bandoleers I can carry. Within forty-eight hours, the zombie threat will be quelled. That is my campaign promise to you.

I hope I can count on your vote in the upcoming primaries. Vote for me and I'll put a ninja on every corner and two in between. Thank you.

p.s. I am looking for a running mate. Chuck Norris is already endorsing Huckabee (if you don't believe it, watch this. Then you'll be even less able to believe it.), so I'm accepting applications.

Bang a gong-- it is on!

2007-11-08T02:43:16Z

Time for the JHS food drive competition! If my class wins, the 3rd period class of the sinister Mr. Suruda has to throw our class a party.
Oh, and I would have to dye my hair blue. Including the eyebrows.

Donations happily accepted (including maybe donations of hair dye)

The Serpent's Strike by Michael James Reed

2007-10-31T02:05:56Z

I got a gift today from a former student-- his first novel! (published through www.publishamerica.com) It's a fantasy story about the last city of elves and demon princes and other cool things Apparently, I am a character in it (Marshayal, the tutor). This will be my lasting glory!

I am mucho, mucho looking forward to reading it!